I had a very big A-ha moment today during my quiet time with God. I have been feeling like a cloud has been hovering over my head. Ideas would pop into my head to write, but I couldn’t bring myself to open up my laptop. Laziness would overcome me or I would just go blank with the idea that just ran through my head 5 minutes prior. Why couldn’t I just write?
The word SELF comes to mind. My motives were all wrong. When asked today in my study by Beth Moore to define biblical greatness and what it would look like on me, the answer was clear as day. Selflessness. My pride gets in the way of my obedience to God. I know when God is calling me to do something. Sometimes I drag my feet because I become selfish and just don’t want to do it. I make up excuses of I am busy or I’m just too exhausted. And sometimes…sometimes I do obey God, but for the wrong reasons. It came to me that I sometimes walk God's path for me because of the blessing that I may receive for being obedient. Ouch…that is hard for me to write on paper, but it is true.
I am actually in tears writing this because my heart really is to live a life following Christ. I want to do everything to glorify God, but I find myself just drowning in my selfishness and looking forward to weighing what I am going to do according to what I will get in return. If I am walking the path I think God has laid out for me, but doing it not to glorify Him, but to actually glorify myself, then I am being sinful.
It pains me to know that I do not always put Christ first. And it pains me that my pride continually gets the best of me. As I read Luke this morning I found that I am not much different than the original disciples. In chapter 9 verse 46 it says, An argument started among them about who would be the greatest of them. They were actually arguing amongst themselves as to who would do a better job. Their focus was on how they would be perceived rather than on doing Jesus’ work and glorify God in return.
Just like the disciples, God knows our thoughts and He knows our hearts. If our hearts are not in alignment with glorifying God then what we think is being obedient to Christ really isn’t being fully obedient. As I write this, my heart is full of conviction. I kneel on my knees and ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness of my selfishness and my pride. The cloud is starting to dissipate and my desire to write is slowly starting to come back.
I ask for your forgiveness today of my selfishness and my pride. It’s an ugly monster that keeps popping up into my heart. I ask that you take that away and show yourself to me. Overwhelm me with your presence and ignite my fire for you once again. I pray for your conviction if the pride starts to rear its ugly head once more so that I may stop it in its tracks and re-focus on glorifying you. In your name I pray.
I will break down your stubborn pride and make the sky above you like iron and the ground beneath you like bronze. Leviticuss 26:19